I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
