okay pat passed out under dana's car
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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