the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
