he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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