It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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