So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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