how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
