all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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