You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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