cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
