I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
