i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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