The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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