just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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