I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
