bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
