Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
