I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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