i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
