The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
