Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Randomize
