obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
