Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
