it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
