i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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