when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
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They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
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I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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