She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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