i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
