A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dicks are not precious.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
