Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
ttyl tear gas
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
