oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
