I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
