There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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