i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
