I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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