You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
