she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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