I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
