and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
