I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
