So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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