I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
