I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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