They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
