I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.