I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
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Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.