If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he was CRYING into my vagina
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
