Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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