Who wears a wallet chain?!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
