dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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