I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
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Every concussion has its silver lining
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
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He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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