he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
How external is "for external use only"?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just blew my weed a kiss
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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