Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
