My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I looked at my own cervix.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
