I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I believe in your delicious
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
