i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
