Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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