the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
