some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
