LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
