wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
