and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
